The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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