The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
