I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
