Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
