I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
