if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
