If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
