have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
