I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
