Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
