pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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