I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
