mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
