how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I can't put those talents on a resume
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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