remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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