Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize