she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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