I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
