my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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