using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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