I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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