remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
