my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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