Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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