I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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