She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Enjoy the penises
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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