i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
