So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
