Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
