you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
