When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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