Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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