I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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