Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
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It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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