if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
