I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
