That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
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Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.