my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
