I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
