I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
