Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
