So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
