So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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