she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
