Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
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i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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