I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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