My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
