You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
