She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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