she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
