This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you traded sex for a burrito?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
