Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
