Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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