Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
