Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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