just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
